Paying Herself to Help Others

by | Mar 27, 2020 | Inner Work, Money | 2 comments

I recently worked with a woman with a huge heart and wonderful, giving nature about her.

There are many people in need in her community, as well as many valuable causes and organizations. She feels a strong desire to support them in many ways, including financially, on top of her own bills and expenses that we all deal with.

It seemed that every time money did come in, there were so many places it absolutely needed to go, as quickly as possible. Holding on to any of it was simply not an option.

How many of you have experienced something similar to this?

Perhaps, even the thought of keeping some of that money may feel selfish and irresponsible. Especially if there is a sense of urgency in where that money needs to go, whether it is bills, supporting others, or both.

That sense of urgency is what needs to be addressed first, on an inner-experience level. Any theory about saving money or growth is not going to penetrate that raw, physical sense of earnestness.

Taking a deep breath and feeling into that physical and emotional sense of “this money needs to go there, there, and there, now” is critical, along with examining why it is so important and necessary on both a feeling and philosophical level.

It may feel like giving all you can is not nearly enough, but you must, because every bit helps. Maybe there is a sense of needing to catch-up, like you are chasing something from behind. This is just one example of many feelings that could arise as you explore.

EFT tapping, journaling, speaking aloud — some type of physical engagement of the body as you uncover these feelings is very powerful.

It is important to give space to feelings like this, and acknowledge that you do honestly believe in the causes and perceived needs or where that money must go now. Otherwise, the idea of paying yourself or saving will feel like a contrary, disrespectful idea that will create a strong inner conflict.

“I should pay myself” vs. “it needs to go here” as two enemies battling for position.

The only way the mind knows how to deal with such inner conflicts is to constantly go back and forth between the two sides, trying to rationalize one perspective.  Maybe convince itself it’s ‘made a decision’ only to bounce back moments later.

As you continue to explore and express what you are feeling in an accepting way, you can explore whether or not having some of your own money as a resource that can grow and expand, can actually contribute more to the cause as well as yourself.

Imagine you are growing your own garden that continues to expand, vs. giving away any fruit or seeds the moment they come into your life. This is just one of infinite ways you can examine this perspective.

It’s something to be felt into, to find what works for you. You’re not trying to force this perspective in because you read it from a financial book. You are looking for that sense of how a different behavior can actually feel like it is contributing positively.

You’re also not trying to enforce a cold concept, such as saving x%, when it feels like a homework assignment. When it honestly feels to you that a course of action can improve your own well-being while contributing in an even better way, shifts can take place naturally.

Here is her feedback after working with this:

 

Following onto the previous call, your comments were spot on,  so I decided to be serious do something different this time.   I feel I have come to a point of looking back and say enough of that, I need to change something, there must be another way!
 
For a while now I have had thoughts of what I needed to do and that meant to take on more work during my time off and be able to earn more to put aside or cover my seemingly non ending demands.  But then I thought, this is what I have been doing for the last ten years or more, so I need a different approach instead of going back to chasing the money.  Secondly I have to be honest with myself and others that sometimes I am not able to help, it can wait, or say no! 
 
With that in mind I decided to look at all my outgoings and income and realised I did not need another job to start paying myself.  With what I have coming in I am able to pay myself at least 10% each month into  an account that has no online access.  When I got paid this time,  I managed to pay myself first, I prioritised my outgoings, I said NO, not this time, and that can wait, the world did not fall apart! Am smiling!
 
First of all by just looking at my finances and see what was doable, i fell the weight off my shoulders.  Small steps but I can see myself a few months down the road sticking to that payday is a start.  With that feeling of optimism, I was able to feel confident in say NO to some of my usual demands and decided some will have to wait!  Being true to my situation, and being honest with what I can afford now, it felt so good that I didn’t have to stress to make things happen.  
 
Its like you said, it does not need to me a huge amount, the fact that I took that small step and because I let go on trust, I am experiencing calmness and  I am now able to see windows of opportunities and possibilities, which I was not able to see before and would have seemed impossible in stressful state and running interference! 
 
It’s a start.  Thank you so much.  I will keep you posted. 
 
Love and Blessings!

I hope you will explore this a bit yourself if you feel it applies to you. Keep us posted with any questions, comments or feedback in the comments below!

 

2 Comments

  1. Johanna

    Thank you for sharing this post. The title caught my eye because since the beginning of the COVID-19 Pandemic, I have felt a strong urge to give constantly of my time and resources to help others in need. That desire to give is not a negative thing, in of itself. But I appreciated the suggestion that “you can explore whether or not having some of your own money as a resource that can grow and expand, can actually contribute more to the cause as well as yourself.” I also appreciated her insight that: “For a while now I have had thoughts of what I needed to do and that meant to take on more work during my time off and be able to earn more to put aside or cover my seemingly non ending demands. But then I thought, this is what I have been doing for the last ten years or more, so I need a different approach instead of going back to chasing the money.” Thank you for the work that you do to help bring us back to sanity!

    Reply
    • Evan

      Thanks for sharing Johanna. It is definitely a common theme for people with a giving, help-others nature about them to push through and not be focused on themselves or their own needs. Seeing that taking some time and resources for your own well-being actually makes you able to offer more, that it is a total win-win, can help get everything within you on the same page rather than in conflict. The session and follow-up letter referenced in this post all took place before we were in global pandemic status, so I appreciate you bringing up how this situation can make the entire dynamic more extreme.

      Reply

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