It’s OK to Want a Relationship

by | Dec 19, 2022 | Inner Work | 0 comments

It’s okay to want a relationship.
It is a perfectly natural, healthy human desire.

Why would I even be saying this?

For some of you, this might sound like a simple, self obvious fact.

However, I can’t tell you how many people have brought up their desire for a partner as though it was a dirty secret.

A sense of embarrassment, shame, feeling like “I should be happy by myself and want this” and more may come to the surface

It is amazing how much has been layered on top of this natural human desire.

Trust me, the subject of relationship and dating already has enough charge in it for most people.

Feeling as though you are not allowed to desire relationship, to put energy towards creating one, to own this part of oneself — this only makes it more difficult.

Cultural Messaging

There is a lot of messaging in our culture right now that may make your desire for a relationship seem weak, needy, or overly traditional.

Be strong, independent.

You don’t need anyone else.

Love yourself first.
In fact, “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else” (I have plenty to say on that here)

The messaging is very different when it comes to career.
“Follow your dreams”
“Go for it”
“Never give up.”

They are both desires, they are both natural. Meanwhile the messaging can be quite different.

I know that not everyone sees this, or interprets these messages in the same way.

I just know, through various conversations, that this is part of the narrative that can contribute to those guilty feelings around wanting a relationship.

Spiritual Teaching and Attachment

Spiritual teaching can take you you down many deep, confusing rabbit holes.

Before you know it, your natural biological desire to connect with someone (IF it is there for you) gets clouded with concepts like:

Isn’t that attachment?
Aren’t I supposed to not need anything or anyone else in order to be happy?
Aren’t we all one, interconnected anyway?

Wanting, having, even pursuing something is not automatically attachment.

There is a very big difference between a natural desire to connect or have a partner, versus “I’ll never be happy unless I’m with someone” and obsessing about it.

Do you have a job? Do you pursue career goals? Do you earn money?
Should you stop doing those things because they are an attachment?

Do you love your family? Do you like talking to your niece or nephew? Do you have a desire to go see them or have them in your life? Is that ‘attachment?’

No, this is not inherently attachment. That gets more into the subtle nuances of how you relate to those things.

Wanting them, having them, is normal.

This is normal

Your body will desire certain food, tell you it is right for you and it is time to eat, and then you eat.

The desire to share your life with someone, whatever that means for you, has nothing to do with your strength or value or spiritual maturity.

Inner Work and ‘relationship as reward.’

I will talk separately about this in the future, but let’s just say:

The personal development world can easily make you think “once I do enough work on myself, heal my past traumas, get totally clear, then I will be granted a relationship.”

This is toxic, and cause people to avoid having relationships for literally decades.

For now, let’s leave it at this:

It’s OK to want a relationship.
It’s OK to have a relationship.

It’s OK to visualize, set intention, make a decision to go for having this in your life.

I am happy to take any questions, comments and more on this here or on the YouTube channel.

IF you want one, here’s to your relationship!

 

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